


The Diary of a Whiterun Guard

by Galasriniel_Beriadanwen



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Chickens, Comedy, Diary/Journal, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Meme inspired, Short One Shot, Sweetrolls, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 22:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19840024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galasriniel_Beriadanwen/pseuds/Galasriniel_Beriadanwen
Summary: An exploration of what one foolish Whiterun guard might write in his private diary...





	The Diary of a Whiterun Guard

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at a comedic fanfiction as well as my first foray into writing Skyrim fanfiction. It is stylistically inspired by Cassandra Claire’s The Very Secret Diary of Legolas Greenleaf (and other VSDs) and by Helen Fielding’s Bridget Jones’ Diary. The content is of course inspired by Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and the many wonderful memes about Skyrim’s foolish guards.

**The Diary of Dorkus, an Unfortunately Named Whiterun Guard with Ambition but No Talent**

_(Who once took an arrow to the knee. It was while farming, not adventuring, though he will insist to the world until his dying day that he got his wound in a brave scrap with bandits.)_

**4E 201, 25 th of Sun’s Dawn**

My mom sent me a diary from Riverwood and suggested that I start journaling. Came along with some note about how self-reflection might help “engage my mind” and improve my creativity. Might as well try it. Could help me to come up with a way to gain Jarl’s favor and become a Dragonsreach Guard. A little about me: I once took an arrow to the knee. It _absolutely_ happened while I was adventuring...into our farm’s cabbage patch to collect crops. Hungry bandit shot my knee and stole all the cabbage while I cried. V. embarrassing. Of course, I didn’t tell _that_ version of the story to my comrades in the Whiterun guard. I told them that my wound came from a brave confrontation with bandits. Some Riverwood guards saved me (that part _is_ true) and inspired me to join the guard. I came to Whiterun so that no one would know the embarrassing truth...

**4E 201, 13 th of First Seed**

Decided to go to Bannered Mare Inn for an evening of drinks with fellow guards. Got hammered after 2 drinks. Am total lightweight. Barfed on Commander Caius. He was _very_ displeased, needless to say. Got walloped in the face. V. nasty black eye now. World is a tad blurry. Other guards made fun of me. Must go back to sleep...too hungover and head is splitting.

**4E 201 21 st of Rain’s Hand**

Why couldn’t I go out and fight the dragon too? I mean, I _did_ shriek, drop my sword, and run away crying when I heard the other guards say the word “dragon”, but still...sometimes it seems like these people have no confidence in me. I wonder why?

**4E 201, 4 th of Second Seed**

Another boring day of patrolling the city. V. annoyed that Farnir and Brelfas got assigned important duty of tracking down a bandit camp and killing the bandits. How am I supposed to become a Dragonsreach Guard if I’m given no chance to prove myself?

**4E 201, 19 th of Second Seed**

Market patrol today. Belethor really is a shit-for-brains. So tired of his snarky attitude every time I go into his pathetic store. Hope a dragon eats him.

**4E 201, 30 th of Midyear**

Pesky Stormcloaks laid siege to our city! Still coughing from smoke inhalation. Belethor’s shop unfortunately still standing. What a shame. Some good could have come out of this.

**4E 201, 3 rd of Sun’s Height**

Been assigned to help keep the peace as Whiterun rebuilds structures damaged by Stormcloaks. Not going well. Attempted to resolve heated dispute between some merchants. They both turned on _me_ and now my nose is broken. Clearly lack a way with words.

**4E 201, 14 th of Last Seed**

How can I better apprehend criminals? I keep saying “wait, I know you,” but none of the criminals are polite enough to stop and talk to me when I say that. They just speed up and walk away from me. V. rude.

**4E 201, 24 th of Last Seed**

Some burly traveler walked into town all high-and-mighty. What a show-off. Walked around like he owned the damn place instead of Jarl Barlgruuf. Mocked him by asking if someone stole his sweetroll, my favorite line to use on annoying passerby. That will show him!

**4E 201, 25 th of Last Seed**

Think that mocking new visitor to town backfired v. badly. I had a sweetroll waiting for me on my bunk – a special treat for a long shift – and came back to find it _stolen_! None of the other guards admit to stealing it. Suspect person I made fun of stole it and ate it. How rude to take another person’s sweetroll! Perhaps this is karma for teasing so many travelers about stolen sweetrolls. If so, karma is indeed a bitch. And I’m hungry.

**4E 201, 26 th of Last Seed**

Caught sweetroll thief red-handed! Was indeed who I suspected. Found him eating my sweetroll right outside the guard barracks. Threatened to turn him in for grand theft but he offered a hefty sum of 800 gold to look the other way. I can buy so many sweetrolls with that, and some knee armor so that I don’t get shot there again! Obv. ignored crime and accepted bribe. Hope Jarl doesn’t find out about this...

**4E 201, 10 th of Hearthfire**

Some lawless heathen killed a chicken today outside the city. A CHICKEN! What kind of animal kills the most sacred and precious creature in all of Skyrim? Needless to say, villagers and my fellow guards ganged up on said criminal and killed him immediately. V. surprised the punishment of death by mob guaranteed by the Anti-Chicken Murder Law has done so little to curb violence against chickens. Most unfortunate.

**4E 201, 17 th of Frostfall**

The Dragonborn is on my last nerves! Shouting all over the city v. loudly. When I finally caught up to him and told him to stop, he rolled his eyes and went up to Dragonsreach. Later got summoned in front of Jarl. Dragonborn complained to Jarl about not being allowed to use his powers to defend Skyrim due to meddlesome guard (who he identified as me). Jarl scolded and demoted me. Dream of serving in Jarl’s guard becoming increasingly implausible.

**4E 201, 23 rd of Sun’s Dusk**

Have devised plan to regain Jarl’s favor! New Harbinger of Companions is man who once bribed me to ignore the heinous crime of stealing a sweetroll. It was MY damn sweetroll! Anyways, can threaten him with blackmail. He must initiate me into the Companions or risk utter ruin of his reputation. Sweetroll theft, while not as bad as chicken murder, is a serious crime. If I become a heroic Companion the Jarl is sure to promote me.

**4E 201, 28 th of Sun’s Dusk**

Update on new plan to gain Jarl’s favor. It went BADLY. V. disappointed. Threatened Harbinger and promptly got the crap beaten out of me in a brawl. To make matters worse, Harbinger (at least, I _assume_ it was him) found and stole my entire comfort sweetroll stash. Limping around the city on guard duty now and hiding from Harbinger when possible. Must devise new plan when I can move without wincing.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that you enjoyed reading this! Please be kind/constructive in any feedback that you have.


End file.
